Mortal Kombat: Annihilation [commentary]

8 Jan

Due to watching this without the ability to pause (and feeling slightly bemused), I thought I’d skip the review part and just do a commentary.  I’m writing as it as as it comes…Spoilers ahead!

Mortal Kombat Annihilation poster

The opening sequence of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is a bit like an amateur cosplay meetup and it really does set the tone for the rest of the film.  Raiden (who is oddly missing his hat) literally looks like someone dusted him with talcum powder.  I’m fairly certain the acting was of a higher calibre when my cousins, brother and I acted out Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in our back garden when I was young.  (There was never much of a plot then either – mostly just running around screaming, ‘ninja’ kicking and arguing over who got to be Raphael.)

Back to Mortal Kombat… some bad dude – Kahn – has come along with his merry band of slow-mo ninjas and offed Johnny Cage.  Bad stuff is going to happen – the end of the world, blah blah…  The ‘good guys’ escape and sort out a plan which seems to involve flying through tunnels in Gladiator Atlaspheres and a quest – everybody loves a quest!

Oh hey, it’s the dude from X-Files – poor-man’s Schwarzenegger – and some guy in a cape (who turns out to be his dad).  They have a very fascinating conversation which I totally missed due to spilling my popcorn, so I’m going to assume it went something along the lines of:

[Standing, hands on hips]  ‘We need to kill those pesky kids and destroy the world. MWHAHAHAHA!

Anyhow…Lui Kang and Kitana are in the middle of some ‘serious’ acting when a fight scene breaks out.  Complete with dodgy electro soundtrack.  Sub-Zero and Scorpion appear and have a ridiculously poser-ish fight atop a plastic ‘ice’-bridge.  Kitana gets herself kidnapped in all the hullabaloo (easily done, love, never mind) and Lui Kang is quite upset (not that you can really tell).

Meanwhile, Sonya Blade in her cringe-worthy tiny shorts and horrendous boots has wandered off to rescue Jax with his bionic arms from the horror of umm…an empty lab and a table he can break free of by himself.  There’s lots of slow-mo falling and glass smashing when Bumblebee from Transformers arrives to attempt to kick their butts.  I have no idea who this guy is supposed to be.  Ahhh, the ubiquitous shot of characters flailing with explosions in the background – hilariously done.

Skip to a wonderful scene where Lui Kang is attacked by Nightwolf and apparently wrestles with him in wolf form.  This is depicted by showing the actor writhing around on the ground swishing his 80s hair like he’s in some kind of demented Head & Shoulders advert.  Apparently Nightwolf’s going to teach him a new power but he needs to pass 3 tests.  Oddly, there only seems to be 2 tests, but never mind – details, details.  In one, he meets a frisky skantily-clad woman in his crazy native American dream-world and then – shocker – she tries to kill him.  He looks around, trying to work out what’s happening – good luck with that, mate!

Game screenshotSonya helpfully explains the situation to Jax by telling him ‘I can’t explain it – use your imagination‘ (yes, thanks for that) before having an impromptu mud-fight with some random woman.  Jax rescues her from a ridiculously badly animated skeletal creature before hitting on her.

Meanwhile, Raiden (still sans -hat) is off babbling to a room full of candles and some elements about rules.  I’m a bit too distracted by the sheer number of candles to care what he’s talking about.  That really is a lot of candles.  It must be roasting in there!  I suspect the budget for candles was sufficiently higher than that for the skeletal creature’s animation.

There’s an argument, something about crazy-imaginary-woman-who-is-actually-real’s legs, then….oh wow, the effect where the newly washed and shorn Raiden comes flying out of a mountain is nothing short of hilarious!  There needs to be more of that.  The group decide to go off to rescue Kitana now instead of bickering.  This new plan seems to involve Raiden doing a spot of Capoeira dancing with some shy ninjas who do a lot of hiding behind columns in a tomb and Lui Kang fighting Baraka, who appears to be wearing a baseball top.  Umm…ok.

Insert some yammering and a ‘Nooooo, that’s not possible‘ moment where we find out about Raiden’s family tree before he basically says ‘Good luck, guys – you’re on your own‘.  Manly, dude.  He goes off to whine at Kahn and his dad like some kind of lame hippy.

Wow, Jax is obscenely buff under that stupid jacket and Sonya seems to have found the time to get that mud-covered vest pearly white again.  Impressive.  Everyone turns into big, rubber dragons (no, really) and then the elements come along to tell them…to continue fighting – this time with added 90s exercise music.

Yes, you guessed it – the good guys win.  The world is safe.  Blah blah, snogging, cheesy jokes, Raiden giving a spiritual-hippy-crap speech about being a family, group hug – roll credits and dodgy dance music.

Oddly, given I am completely sober and this film is utter tosh, it was quite enjoyable.  It really is so ridiculous it’s hard not to find something to amuse.  I’m sure it’d also benefit from a drinking game, mind you. Here, for your viewing pleasure (and also so you can guess who the characters I missed are), is the trailer.  Bask in its glory!

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3 Responses to “Mortal Kombat: Annihilation [commentary]”

  1. Jason Wong January 9, 2012 at 7:08 am #

    Can’t believe I paid full price for this piece of trash when it came out in the theaters. I did enjoy the tiny shorts, however. Ahem…

    Like

  2. phxhawke (@phxhawke) January 9, 2012 at 10:04 pm #

    LOL! I never went to see it. The only one of the Mortal Kombat movies that I ever saw was the first one. Also, it has to be said, “KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!” 🙂

    Like

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