Tail Sting [review]

21 Jan

Tail sting blurb

The blurb on the box says “Whilst in transit between Australia and the USA, a crate of genetically created scorpions are exposed to a dangerous unrefined oxegen.” Googling tells me that oxegen is actually a rock festival in Ireland, so I’m assuming they meant ‘oxygen’ – given the decided lack of U2 in this film. The box also says the plane ‘limps blindly in autopilot across the Atalantic…’ One – where is the ‘Atalantic’? Two – Shouldn’t they be over the Pacific?

The first thing that impressed me when I loaded this DVD was the menu – it’s nothing short of genius. An aliased font with a static photo of a plane moving diagonally across the screen? Yes.

The film kicks off with some desert scenes that look distinctly like they were filmed on an old-school mobile phone. They’re so shaky it’s quite painful to watch. This leads us to a scene in the world’s smallest airport. Hilariously, the security team literally yell ‘GUN!‘ and dive over the machines when they x-ray a bag with a gun-shaped lighter.

Those thinking ‘Low-budget Snakes on a Plane‘ will be interested to know that this was filmed in 2001 – way earlier. As such, I was quite disappointed that there was no “I’ve had it…” alternative line. There are, however, some really daft lines – “More people are killed each year by donkeys than plane crashes”, anyone? Someone actually says “That stings” at one point.

Tail Sting menu

High quality retro graphics

Not only is the captain called ‘Captain Jack’ – which amused me anyway – but his full name is ‘Captain Jack Russell’. Hah! Who’s next? Captain Scotty Dog? The rest of the characters are incredibly irritating – as per usually with these films. There’s the incredibly rude teen, the inappropriate guy, the really odd goth/vampire with a German accent, the camp air host etc. etc.

They do a good job with one of the fight scenes anyway – it starts off pretty hilariously and ends up being fairly horrific. There is, however, a moment where instead of showing the death scene, they cut to the shadow of the death – it’s like a scene from an old vampire movie. The scorpions are bloody huge – so big that it’s pretty much unfeasible that they could get around the plane without er…just walking down the aisles. They also seem to walk past the same netted duct about 10 times during the film.

Amongst all of this hilarity there’s a scene where the survivors have to arm themselves with random items from around the plane. One girl sellotapes cutlery to her arm cast. Come on! The best one is a wet suit with a defibrillator backpack that seems to have been made from two travel irons.

I’d say this is on par with Mega Piranha in my books. I really enjoyed it. Everything about it is hilariously bad – packaging, plot, acting, writing, costumes… This, people, is the complete package.

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