Twice the Teeth, Thrice the Bad: 2-Headed Shark Attack Reviewed

11 Jun

With a poster this absurd, I didn’t touch a thing…

I try to be positive when I review movies. It’s hard to make these things, and when I can see effort being put into the final product I tend to look for the positive rather than cling to the negative – especially since it’s so easy to find what’s wrong with B movies.

I can’t do that with this film.

There are movies that are bad in a good way, there are movies that are bad in a not so good way, and there are movies that are just God awful. This one not only dips a toe in that third pool, it jumps in headfirst and breaks its neck in the shallow waters.

It starts with a group of college students on a semester-at-sea cruise. They come across a small atoll, complete with its own two headed shark – as most do. It’s more menacing than a regular shark, because – as one thespian astutely notes – it has twice the number of teeth. The shark proceeds to batter their ship, the island, and any of their chances to be taken seriously in the future.

Where do I start? The acting is bad, even for B-movie grade schlock like this. Charlie O’Connell (the other one) at times looks like he’s squinting at cue cards, and Carmen Electra spends the entire film confusing stretching and sunning herself with acting. Perhaps if the island had a pole she would have tried for an Oscar.

The students are no better, delivering lines in a way that made me wonder if the casting department walked outside and looked for the first car wash fundraiser they could find. Brooke Hogan manages to emote above their level, barely, but fits in with the other coeds about as well as O’Connell would at a Sliders reunion. I kept waiting for her to body-slam the shark into submission.

Even for B-grade film, the effects are horrible. They try to save money with shaky closeups of a rubber shark mouth thrashing about in bloody water, and when they do use CG it gets even worse. I’m pretty sure sharks have internal organs and aren’t just hollow tubes, but there are shots where the shark opens one mouth and you can actually see daylight through the inside of its gills.

The dialog is cringeworthy, the directing unremarkable. I’m not sure I could find one positive thing about this movie while I watched it. And I did look – for a while.

There are many, many better b-movie shark attack films out there (Sharktopus, MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus, and anything by John Grisham). Please see those instead. You’ll find you spent a wiser two hours than I did…

3 rubber shark heads out of 10

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2 Responses to “Twice the Teeth, Thrice the Bad: 2-Headed Shark Attack Reviewed”

  1. TheBruce June 11, 2012 at 6:16 am #

    Thank you, The Asylum, for your contributions to cinema and for your film classics.

    Like

  2. phoenixx24 June 11, 2012 at 7:05 am #

    You, Sir, are a braver man than me – I watched it with the aim of reviewing & didn’t get much further than writing ‘Just don’t’.

    Like

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