Mega Tiffany vs Debbie Gibson-oid

9 Dec

My good friends, Jon and Gavin are apparently so amused by our Two Geeks reviews that when they recently came across a bargain copy of Mega Python vs Gateroid while shopping they insisted on buying it so I could review it. I love my friends!

This has the same loose premise of the other “Mega” films – stupid people and umm…giant animals. I would add “hell bent on destroying humanity” to the end of that sentence but that’s not really true – they just want to eat and generally bumble about. Anyway, it opens with incredibly over-dramatic music as a group of animal-loving eco-terrorists (led by “80s pop sensation” Debbie Gibson) break into a lab to rescue some pythons which are have been experimented on.

They proceed to have a downright ridiculous car chase with the sheriff – who seems to have bought the Zoolander of the car world because it has all the turning capabilities of a brick wall. After they ditch the incompetent law enforcement driver they go to release the snakes. Amazingly, while there were only a handful of snakes in the lab, it seems like they found some more on the way to the release point because when they open the bag it’s like a bad CGI version of Medusa’s hair clippings.

Moving on to our next leading lady, we join our other “80s pop sensation” Tiffany – who is playing the head honcho of the rangers in these ‘ere woods. A bunch of stereotypical hillbilly-types are dying to get their hunting permits and she’s trying to tell them hunting season is off. The costumes department seem to have misjudged her clothing sizes quite impressively – since it looks like she might actually shower buttons all over the place at any second. Who knows, it might have helped her get rid of those pesky hunters quicker – a swift button to the eye could be quite dangerous. She also seems to have used enough lipstick to fund Rimmel for a month – they don’t do anything by halves.

We jump to Debbie, at a roadside.  She’s nearly eaten alive by one of her recently released monster snakes but is saved by Tiffany’s dopey husband as he mows down the snake with his car. Multiple times. Yes, I think it’s dead now. For god’s sake, leave the poor thing alone! Debbie reacts like anyone would when they’ve just been saved from a giant snake,,.  She calls him a “Murderer”. Ahh, this is environmentalism at it’s peak, people.

There’s a bit of a hoo-haa as they find that there are giant snakes roaming about and the gator population is decreasing. Tiffany retaliates by issuing hunting licenses for the hillbillies to kill them – if they can. We get told that snake heads can live for up to an hour after they’ve been severed. Which is apparently an actual fact – who knew you could learn something from one of these films?

The hillbillies and rangers go on a snake hunt with some puny weapons, wading through the swamp. Now, I’m not sure about you, but I think I’d be wanting some kind of bazooka or a tank – a boat at the very least – if I were dealing with giant snakes, so hats off to their bravery/stupidity/insanity. People here seem to have a complete inability to shoot things that are only about a foot away. You’d think they’d have had a wee bit more practice before now.

The snakes, unsurprisingly, have a spot of lunch. The menu consists of “stupid human”. They don’t seem to be too impressed with the chef given they spit out enough body parts to make it blatantly obvious who won this round.

They call in “an expert” called “Dr Diego”. Diego is The Man – he can fly a helicopter, he talks science nonsense, he carries a gun, he wears clothes that fit him, he has the most amazing ability to make hilariously good “seriously looking into the distance” faces – which he does most of the time he’s on screen.

Meanwhile, Tiffany decides to play god and acquires some powerful drugs from…er…a chef. Apparently there’s a black market in dodgy animal drugs being run in the catering industry. Again – who knew? She feeds the gators with this concoction to make them big enough to be able to take on the giant snakes. Umm….great plan.

There’s a Eurovision-style dancey montage showing lots of twitching snakes and gators with giant growing muscles, cut in with some shots of cells multiplying while Debbie Gibson sings about snakes. Oh yeah. *Gets out the glowsticks*  For those who are interested, this song, “Snake Charmer” is available on iTunes – for all your dancing reptile needs.

Funnily enough, drugging the alligators just means that there are now giant snakes and giant gators roaming around – she’s a big forward-thinker, our Tiff. She then continues planning a big fundraising event as if nothing could possibly go wrong. Diego, bless him, tries to reason with her and is told “I have a monkey and a ton of dry ice landing in an hour.”

….okay….

(N.B. I may have missed the part leading up to this where she explained that she’d invited a guest from The Monkees).

All of this leads up to a ridiculously stupid girl fight which apparently people have been looking forward to since they were both famous in the 80s – Mega Tiffany vs Debbie Gibson-oid. Apparently they were seen as opponents when they were younger.

The scene involves lots of wrestling and er… Debbie rubbing cream on Tiffany’s semi-exposed boobs… I’m fairly certain these ladies still think they’ve got men lusting over them like teenage boys. I’m not so sure that’s the reality, mind you, since Debbie looks like a twiglet and Tiffany bears a striking resemblance to a sausage in her ridiculously tight clothes. They roll down a hill into the swamp while “wrestling”. Which leads up to the best line of the film…

“I think we’re alone now, there doesn’t seem to be anyone around…”

See what she did there?

After the massacre of the fundraiser, Tiffany has finally wised up and clearly, they need to find a way to destroy both the snakes and the gators.  They set about their plan to lure them all to a nesting site that poor Diego has been babbling about for ages. Carnage, explosions, and mysterious auto-flying helicopters ensue. Along with repeated CGI of the same gator walking in formation.

The effects are…well, what you’d expect. The CGI is questionable at best and the gore is impressively jam-like. If I’d not eaten a whole pizza I might have found myself subliminally drawn towards a nice jam sandwich in the middle of it.

The plot is arguably more ridiculous than most of the movies we’ve reviewed on here – and that’s saying something – and the acting (besides Kathryn Joosten of Desperate Housewives fame) is what can only be described as ‘terrible’. I’m a little hazy on why it’s actually called “Mega Python vs Gateroid” given that a) there’s multiple pythons and gators and b) they don’t seem to give two hoots about each other.

Overall, it’s quite entertaining. It’s ridiculously stupid – as you’d expect – and there are numerous hilarious moments, my favourites being the blatant inclusion of lyrics to Tiffany’s hit and the montage of twitching snakes and gators with growing muscles (set to the dance backing song, of course). However, it did smack a little of indulgence – the multiple references to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson’s real life careers is going to get a little awkward if it goes on after this film though (I think they were pushing it already). Yes, you were both briefly famous in the 80s – please, let it go now.

I’m beginning to suspect that there’s never going to be a silly film about snakes that will ever topple Snakes on a Plane.

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