Snowed Under – Snow Shark Reviewed

14 Mar
Those Eskimo spring breakers really made a mistake when they tossed out that old hat they found...

Those Eskimo spring breakers really made a mistake when they tossed out that old hat they found…

I heard about Snow Shark the day after I saw the b-movie awesomeness that was Super Shark for the first time. To say I was looking forward to this coming out would be a massive understatement.

Finally, release day arrived and I was at last able to watch this.

I really wish I was still waiting.

Snow Shark is about a prehistoric shark that gets released (presumably from an icy trap) after an earthquake and then swims around in the snow and eats people. As more and more locals get eaten, the mayor calls in “experts” to work with the Sheriff and get rid of it once and for all.

Think of Snow Shark as an unfunny “Tremors” set in snow, with all the camp and fun taken out of it. Shark eats people. People try to kill shark. Shark eats more people.

You get the idea.

The premise is appropriately absurd for a movie of this type, which unfortunately only serves to give the potential viewer a sense of false hope. The story meanders, and is downright boring in places when it isn’t focusing on the shark itself. Not that the shark scenes themselves are that great. In movies like Sharktopus and Super Shark, they at least make a case for why characters aren’t safe anywhere. I think just stepping on a rock would render Snow Shark impotent. Never mind that most of the scenes take place in a forest. You know, a place littered with climbable trees?

Acting is spotty, to be kind. Most of the cast is god-awful, with a few decent performances (the Sheriff and the hunter are the only two that come to mind) able to nudge the curve up a little. Not that it’s easy to determine the acting ability of some, since the horrible audio in many scenes turns shouts into whispers. Is ADR so prohibitively expensive that no one thinks to try it to clean up location shoots, or do the actors just not want to come back and recite the same dialog a second time?

The camera work screams 90’s home video. Given that the the movie starts in 1999, that almost works. Sadly, it’s not a gimmick just for that scene – the whole movie has that “amateur porn” sheen.

The effects are minimal for a creature flick, and deal mostly with making sure never to show the actual shark itself (understandable, once you actually do see the paper mache shark in action) and splashing extra blood in the foreground during attacks. At least they didn’t have the actors shout “bang” when they fired guns, so that’s something.

I really wanted to like this film. The concept of a snow shark is so insane, I thought this could have been a really fun movie. Unfortunately, some concepts only work as camp – and flop horribly when taken seriously. While there were bits in the second half of the film where I could see a glimmer of humor, given the movie up to that point I wasn’t able to tell if any of it was intentional. All in all, a disappointing film.

4 paper fins in the snow out of 10

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