GI JUST NO: Rise of Cobra

1 Feb

I may have been a child of the 80s but I definitely didn’t have any inking about what GI Joe was (besides a plastic doll with a crap parachute that my cousins had) so the storyline may be entirely lost on me.  You have been warned.


GI Joe: Rise of Cobra kicks off in France in the 16th Century (which, frankly, had me reaching for the controller to make sure I was actually watching the right channel) to show us a guy with a dodgy Scottish accent being put into an iron mask…for tenuous reasons.

We then whiz to the “not too distant future”.   Dr Who mk 532 (Christopher Eccleston) is blowing the afore mentioned bad Scottish accent out the water entirely with his own take on an absolutely atrocious Scottish accent.  It’s painful.  He introduces his nano weapon that can obliterate metal objects.

Elsewhere, Duke (Channing Tatum) is looking good in the army.   His convoy is attacked by a really high-tech helicopter on their way…somewhere. The woman in charge of the bad guys is clearly one of those women who doesn’t believe she needs armour of any practical nature when going to battle, and instead has dressed a bit like Lady Gaga in one of her more sensible moods.  She was presumably hired for her ample boobs acting talent.  A man and a woman in what appear to be armoured wetsuits drop from a plane to help Duke fight off Ms Boobs.  They have a nice little “Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi” projector message and ask the army guys to come along to GI Joe headquarters.

Now, while I was writing, I missed out on the reasoning behind there being a giant underwater city for the bad guys – who I’m going to name Cobra Collective after the Urban Cookie Collective for no good reason other than there’s a dude who looks like the metallic people in their music video – how the hell did no one notice that being built?  It’s massive!  Anyway, there’s a bunch of dudes who’ve been injected with nanobots and thus don’t feel pain blah blah blah and they get to wear pretty badass skull helmets. There’s also the Cobra Commander – who looks like a cross between Neo, Darth Vader, and Johnny Depp’s version of Willy Wonka with an iron superglued to his face.  Evil plans afoot.  Yadda yadda.

Nothing short of nonsense follows this.  It seems to build up to a hilariously ridiculous scene where they’re all in Paris – heading to “someplace with a lot of metal”.  Wow, I’d never be able to work that one out.  People jumping off motorbikes into the air, cars flying all over the place, driving motorbikes at speed through the traffic on the worst roundabout in the world without being harmed (I don’t know if you’ve been to the Arc De Triomphe but this is highly unlikely), acrobatic running and jumping through explosions and through speeding trains in Robocop suits, a man in a pure white suit being involved in a car fire without marking his suit whatsoever…  To be honest, it’s all far, far too silly to be impressive.

All I can think of during this, is:

If the wetsuit ninja guy “never speaks” then why does his suit have a mouth?  Surely that’s a lot of faff for something you’re never going to use?

The bad guys go off to their arctic lair after totalling the Eiffel Tower a la Team America.  Despite it being a land of ice, and it potentially being -40 degrees,  everyone is dressed like it’s a night out in London in August – if the woman were wearing a lower-cut top it’d be a skirt.  How do they expect to achieve world domination when they’re completely incapable of successfully dressing themselves for the occasion?  Christopher Eccleston greets cleavage woman by calling her his “beautiful lady of the lake”.  His accent is the equivalent of nails down a blackboard – it makes me want to rub my ears off with a cheese grater.  He’s English, has he never heard a Scottish person talk before?!

Meanwhile, elsewhere in cuckoo-land, there’s a minor character called Dr Mindbender.  I mean, really?  Oh god, this is like torture.  Must not focus on the accent.  Or the plot.  Or the acting.  Channing Tatum will get you through, Amy – YOU CAN DO EEET!

Oh jesus christ.  Just when I thought it couldn’t get more cringeworthy –

“Wait, McCullen is Scottish, maybe [the warhead] responds to celtic?  Try ‘teine'”.


Hold up.

I’m sorry, but TIME OUT.

Why does this random American woman know this celtic word?  98% of people from Scotland wouldn’t know it.  Who wrote this nonsense?  It’s not even funny how far-fetched this film is!  It reminds me vaguely of Axe Cop (which has the excuse that it’s written by a 5 year old – and it’s nothing short of awesome for it).

Oh god, she knows the sodding word for “eject” too.  This just went from highly improbable to utterly batshit crazy.

I give up.  They’re detonating an iceberg now.

There are no redeeming factors for this film that outweigh the torture.  This is just dire.  What the hell were they thinking?  Oddly, I’ve already seen the sequel – and I thought that was ridiculous (but amusingly so).  I’d go so far to say that the sequel is better than the steaming pile of crap that came along first.  I’m flabbergasted that they got the budget to make a second one – far less a second one that involves The Rock and Bruce Willis!

Verdict: Don’t. Just don’t.

One Response to “GI JUST NO: Rise of Cobra”

  1. CConfehr February 2, 2014 at 6:19 am #

    Our GI Joe dolls would be disappointed in the recent movies.


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