Prometheus

16 Dec

I once worked with a huge Ridley Scott fan who, upon seeing this film, ranted for about a week solid about how terrible it was. (We’d then noticed that we could use the word “Prometheus” to send him into these hilarious rants at our will and got much amusement out of this.) Since then, not one person I’ve spoken to has said it was any good – in fact, many just make fart noises and proceed to complain about the gaping plot holes. With this in mind, I thought it high time I watched it for myself (and wrote about how terrible an experience it is).

The good

On paper, Prometheus sounded awesome. Impressive cast, Ridley Scott, Alien, space, massive budget for effects… The scenery/surroundings are amazing – they really could not have done them any better. The acting is pretty good. I think that covers the positives.

The bad

So, with that out of the way, let’s rip into the problems…

The plot is, well, let’s just say there’s a lot of issues. It barely makes sense in places and you’re just expected to fill in the gaps yourself – which gets a bit silly to be honest.

The characters seem to be the least scientific scientists ever – in fact, they come across as the biggest bunch of absolute morons and it’s seriously doubtful that they would have been sent into space in the first place. I guess, if you’re looking for a film that will make you want to interact with it then this is a good bet – they will have you shouting at the screen at least because they are really infuriating.

They ditch their helmets in an alien structure on an inhospitable planet (and don’t even continue carrying them while they explore) when they don’t actually even know what is generating the air supply, they pluck ladders out of thin air (god knows where he’d been carrying it), they open doors left and right, they wander around randomly pressing buttons in the aforementioned alien structure without having a clue what they do (seriously, if I’d been on that landing crew I’d have been snapping fingers off left, right, and centre and screaming “Touch that again and I’ll break your arm!”) – perhaps one was to turn off the air supply? I feel like I’m describing a classroom full of kids playing dress-up as explorers – annoying ones at that!

Then, they call the alien structure a “pyramid”. Sorry, what? From what I saw of it, it was round. With a skull on the top. Now, I’m no expert, but where I come from pyramids don’t look like giant boobs with skulls for nipples. Just saying. Scientists, my ass!

And another thing, let’s not forget about the giant white rubber man. The film opens with this – some alien dude with so many muscles defined that he looks like a vacuum-sealed sack of potatoes getting naked, drinking something (presumably not his morning coffee) and then dissolving into a waterfall. You will likely be so distracted by how plasticy his skin looks that you’ll miss the significance entirely – it is that bad.

Then there’s the old man (and by old I mean he looks like he fathered the dinosaurs). The make up/prosthetics on this character just made me think “Yoda looked more realistic”. I fail to understand why they chose Guy Pierce to play an old man rather than just hiring…an old man. Novel concept, I know. They spent all that money making him look like he had more wrinkles than an elephant’s scrotum for no good reason, in my opinion.

Next, there’s the Scottish accent. I get it, she’s Scottish, the actress is Scottish, but my god, she must’ve amped up that accent quite a bit – I can see it now, the director is there shouting at her “No, that’s not Scottish enough! We need to feel the Scottish-ness through the screen.” Take it from a Scottish person – there is no need. No need.

In amongst all of this utter crappiness, there’s not that much actual action – in fact, I found it quite dull in parts. This tactic worked well in Alien because there was tension, there was a plot – one that was going somewhere! Here, it’s just like something happens and then there’s 10 minutes of dull poking around in a dark place aimlessly – on repeat.

Then, there’s the absolutely crippling part – for something that was supposed to be an Alien prequel, the alien features for literally about a minute. I mean, WTF? Seriously, WTF? The premise of the film is a bloody lie. Hook all your fans in with this juicy bit of meat and then WHAM – slap in the face. I’m not that big an Alien fan (as you can probably tell purely by the fact that it’s taken me 2 years to actually watch this) but even I think it’s pretty insulting to insinuate that this is even related.

In case you haven’t gotten the general gist of what I’ve been saying, let me sum it up in one word: AVOID.

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2 Responses to “Prometheus”

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  1. Prometheus | AmySansom.co.uk - January 7, 2015

    […] on over to Two Geeks One Blog to see my full […]

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  2. Zombeavers? Yes! Prometheus? Yes! A girl walks home alone at night? Not yet… « Robert Pimm - March 5, 2015

    […] The two geeks also do a splendid job on Prometheus, which I too found tragically disappointing.  How could so much money and talent go so wrong?  The two geeks explain. […]

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