Mega Shark Vs Kolossus AKA “Go home, Mega Shark, you’re drunk”

2 Nov

kolossusOh, once glorious Mega Shark, how far you’ve fallen. We’re now on what feels like the eleventy-millionth Mega Shark sequel, I think mega shark has now fought pretty much everything going – except Arnie (now, that, I’d watch!). Perhaps in the next one he’ll die…and then come back as Ghost Mega shark (I’ll bring the popcorn).

Exaggerations aside, we’ve had Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus, Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark, and now…this.

So, mega shark is back and he’s flicking Navy ships out the water left, right, and centre for no reason. He doesn’t seem to have a purpose – he’s generally causing havoc as per usual. We join the scene where a Naval fleet, made up of poor man’s Samuel L Jackson (who actually does a reasonable job if you shut your eyes), some generic non-characters, and some inexplicably low-neckline, PVC/pleather-clad babes (Team Unicorn) in a submarine battle Mega Shark.

Meanwhile…the Russians (who else?) have accidentally awakened a giant robotic killing machine they built during the Cold War while they’re searching for an alternative power source. For no apparent reason, they seem to have spent presumably hundreds of millions of rubles giving the robot the appearance of anatomical, exposed human muscles. OK.  Did they give the robot any cool weapons to match his ridiculous muscles?  Well, er…apparently it has the ability to explode (but not disassemble) over and over again.  Well, it’s different…

So, a CIA agent is sent to deal with this giant robot problem by essentially breaking all the rules and enlisting the help of a ‘by the book’ desk-bound agent (who, of course, is a man who sports a pierced ear – because nothing says ‘I’m a man who follows all the rules‘ like a single, piratey gold hoop).

Stuff happens.  Explosions.  Stupidity.  Yawn.  Boring boring boring boring.

The robot is an interesting addition. I would like to say it’s a bit far-fetched, but then so is the rest of the premise. However, it didn’t really add much – I really spent most of my time wondering why the hell they would ever even consider giving it muscles. I mean, what the hell were they thinking? Yes, this will help him destroy the Americans – fake muscles. I understand that often the creepiest things are objects which are familiar but slightly different (the uncanny) but just no. Robots are creepy enough as they are without distracting muscles.

Ranting aside, you’d think this would be quite the exciting match – Mega Shark vs Giant killing machine, but really…it’s feeling quite tired now. What more can you do with a giant shark? (Seriously, this is a challenge.)  They do try to break away from the norm slightly in this film – bringing in a bit of an interesting concept near the end but it’s very short-lived and not very well thought out.

Acting-wise, other than Samuel L Jackson-a-like, we’re talking fairly standard B-movie (over-) acting – it’s terrible.  The characters are terrible.  The plot is terrible.  The costumes are terrible.  The effects are…well, I think at least if they were done with polystyrene then they’d have the ‘amusement’ factor going for them – but sadly, there’s not much in this at all that warrants wasting your time.

Hilariously, we do get a glimpse of Mega Shark in space so I guess that may well be the next step for this franchise but even I think they should probably think about hanging up Mega Sharks fin for the last time. It’s time for a new beastie please – step forth Mega Hamster!


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