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In Your Eyes

25 May

While this isn’t really the type of film we’d normally write about on Two Geeks, it is Joss Whedon so it’s relevant in a way.

In Your Eyes

I’d seen In Your Eyes mentioned on a few blogs. It’s a Joss Whedon-penned vimeo-streamed feature film – available for rent for 72 hours online now. He wrote and produced it but it was directed by Brin Hill. It’s an interesting move in a number of ways – it’s a jump to low-budget for Whedon and also the direct online rental aspect is a bit of a change from the traditional methods – or using big streaming services like Netflix. Having had a look around the “On Demand” section of Vimeo, I’m not seeing anything that grabs me as much or has any big names but it’s a nice idea – the site says “most of the cash goes to the maker”.

Anyway, on to the film. Merely 3 minutes in, I was sold. Two kids, miles apart, linked together by a psychic bond. Both get injured when one gets hurt – as we find out when Becky has a sledging accident and Dylan shares her experience in a crowded classroom at school.

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GI JUST NO: Rise of Cobra

1 Feb

I may have been a child of the 80s but I definitely didn’t have any inking about what GI Joe was (besides a plastic doll with a crap parachute that my cousins had) so the storyline may be entirely lost on me.  You have been warned.

GI No

GI Joe: Rise of Cobra kicks off in France in the 16th Century (which, frankly, had me reaching for the controller to make sure I was actually watching the right channel) to show us a guy with a dodgy Scottish accent being put into an iron mask…for tenuous reasons.

We then whiz to the “not too distant future”.   Dr Who mk 532 (Christopher Eccleston) is blowing the afore mentioned bad Scottish accent out the water entirely with his own take on an absolutely atrocious Scottish accent.  It’s painful.  He introduces his nano weapon that can obliterate metal objects.

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We’re a Year Old – Time for a Contest

4 Jan

We’re over a year old now (well, the blog is – we are both well over the age of 1) and to celebrate we’re holding a competition of sorts – watch the video for more information.

Dodgy acting, weird hats, and a competition – don’t say we’re not good to you!

Mega Tiffany vs Debbie Gibson-oid

9 Dec

My good friends, Jon and Gavin are apparently so amused by our Two Geeks reviews that when they recently came across a bargain copy of Mega Python vs Gateroid while shopping they insisted on buying it so I could review it. I love my friends!

This has the same loose premise of the other “Mega” films – stupid people and umm…giant animals. I would add “hell bent on destroying humanity” to the end of that sentence but that’s not really true – they just want to eat and generally bumble about. Anyway, it opens with incredibly over-dramatic music as a group of animal-loving eco-terrorists (led by “80s pop sensation” Debbie Gibson) break into a lab to rescue some pythons which are have been experimented on.

They proceed to have a downright ridiculous car chase with the sheriff – who seems to have bought the Zoolander of the car world because it has all the turning capabilities of a brick wall. After they ditch the incompetent law enforcement driver they go to release the snakes. Amazingly, while there were only a handful of snakes in the lab, it seems like they found some more on the way to the release point because when they open the bag it’s like a bad CGI version of Medusa’s hair clippings.

Moving on to our next leading lady, we join our other “80s pop sensation” Tiffany – who is playing the head honcho of the rangers in these ‘ere woods. A bunch of stereotypical hillbilly-types are dying to get their hunting permits and she’s trying to tell them hunting season is off. The costumes department seem to have misjudged her clothing sizes quite impressively – since it looks like she might actually shower buttons all over the place at any second. Who knows, it might have helped her get rid of those pesky hunters quicker – a swift button to the eye could be quite dangerous. She also seems to have used enough lipstick to fund Rimmel for a month – they don’t do anything by halves.

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Doom – a tale of two eyebrows and Karl Urban

14 Jul

I was acutely aware that I hadn’t posted anything in a while so I went off to a second-hand shop to peruse their DVDs – they had such gems as ‘NYC Tornado Terror’, ‘Metal Tornado’ (and various other weather-related-peril movies).  However, despite this, I thought I’d go for something with a budget this time.  I ended up buying Twilight and Doom – spending a total of £1.75.  A quick vote on twitter revealed that people aren’t quite so evil as I thought – Doom won over Twilight.

I was never a huge fan of Doom as a kid. I played a wee bit of it but I could never get into it. I didn’t like the feel of it, I didn’t understand what the hell was happening, squares that looked vaguely like monsters were coming towards you, green things on the floor hurt you…  Everything you did made ‘UGH’ noises.  I died a lot.  I don’t really know why I’m explaining this given I assume I had about as much of a grasp of the plot as anyone else.  Later on, I played Doom3…for about 10 minutes.  I turned it off because I can’t say I’m a big fan of screaming my head off and shooting at literally everything that moves in case it tries to kill me.

Anyhoo, with that disclaimer out of the way…

It’s 2026, archeologists have discovered a portal to mars (as you do).  They experiment with stuff.  Shit goes down.  There’s lots of running along metal corridors, screaming.  Skip ahead and we meet The Rock’s elite team of killing machines – one of whom seems to be playing an Atari Lynx.  It’s 2026 and this is the height of portable gaming?  A white brick?  Wow.

Karl Urban is told to take the leave he’s been offered because they’re going to ‘Olduvai’ to investigate the distress call from aforementioned screaming runners. He decides he’s man enough to go back – there’s no explanation as to why he wouldn’t want to go back but hey.  The guns identifying their user by a nickname is a bit odd but that’s how we find out their names.  The Rock is imaginatively titled “Sarge” and Karl Urban is “Reaper”.

There’s a lovely example of the challenging dialogue in the transporter scene – “If it’s trying to kill ya, it’s a threat.”  Well, thanks for that clarification.  There’s also a bit of an odd build-up to Karl Urban’s character meeting a woman on Mars – I got the impression she was going to be his ex girlfriend or something.  I’m not really sure why the writers went with this ambiguous build-up.  Her name’s Samantha Grimm.  She’s his sister, not the love interest.  Grim Reaper?  Get it?  See what they did there?  Clever.

Karl Urban

Hello

At this point I decide to crack open some Hoegarden and figure out that Karl Urban is hot. Trust me, this is more interesting than what is happening in the film at this point.  Apparently it makes perfect sense to send a doctor down to investigate wearing white skinny jeans and a blue fitted shirt while everyone else is armed with fuck-off guns and armour.  I reckon I’d be slightly worried if I were her!

The Rock and his crazy eyes discover the armoury but sadly the BFG is under lock and key.  Apparently BFG stands for Bio Force Gun? I thought it meant…oh, never mind.

The Rock

Look at those eyes

Meanwhile, back with the Grimm family, there’s some debate about reopening the archaeological dig where they found some alien humanoid remains. He’s a soldier with a caring and tortured past, don’t you know?  Turns out the aliens were super-human – smarter, fitter, stronger and everything else from that Kanye West song. Apparently they have extra chromosomes and everything!  Someone pipes up with “If they were so smart how come they’re so dead?” Oh man, the writing in this is awesome.

They find the doctor who raised the alarm in the first place cowering in a corner clutching a severed hand. He umm…pulls his ear off in panic or joy at being rescued, I guess.  I know that’s the first thing I want to do when I get rescued from certain death…

Elsewhere, creepy guy is creepy, young and stupid guy is young and stupid, together they find a naked woman standing about in a locker room in the buff, a scientist eating his lab rats, and a monkey – all of which they shoot 7 shades of shit out of…

There’s a growing sense of ‘Something’s a bit wrong here’ – not as much as you’d expect, but clearly people in movies are slow on the uptake.  They take Van Gogh to the lab and discover he has weird lumps in his blood (it’s fairly gross and god knows how they got it through the needle) and is turning into some kind of wrinkled old man.

They end up in a sewer with one of the creatures running around.  Oh Karl, you look especially good when lit from the side in a darkened sewer. Wait they have sewers on Mars? When will people in movies learn that sewers are not a good place to go looking for creepy things? One of the team is attacked by a lumpy creature and ends up with a parasite in his neck.  Lovely.  Well, he’s a goner then.

There’s a lot of The Rock standing about waggling his eyebrows and staring crazily at things – so much so that I start considering that there may be an acting school specifically for eyebrows.  It seems to be the height of his acting capabilities.  Don’t get me wrong, I like some good eyebrow action but I don’t really believe the plot should depend on it.

Insert lots of running along corridors, eyebrow action, screaming, and people turning into crazed monsters until people realise that there really isn’t much chance of them containing this problem.  The rock shows his nice side and goes on a killing spree – which is a big hint as to what’s going to happen now.

At this point I get bored and go off to buy a Pogoplug on ebay.  More stuff happens.  Yawn.  At some point here the action kicks off but frankly, it’s too little too late.

Things do perk up briefly when Urban shoots himself accidentally (by the looks of things) and Blonde Doctor gives him the Chromosome 24 to save his life. Luckily, he’s not got a shred of evil about him (hah) and he just turns into a super-human version of himself – we get a nice first person view of him killing tons of evil people set to metal music. Why wasn’t the rest of the film like this? There’s even a bit where someone raises an axe to kill him, is shot, and the axe falls in their head. Yes!

Oh, he’s going to fight a super-human version of The Rock in hand-to-hand combat. No one saw that coming!  Blah blah, fighting, blah….

Ta da!  The world is saved.

Overall, Doom is… acceptable.  It’s not dire, and it was never going to be world-changing, but it’s nothing more than forgettable – so much so that I’ll probably forget how ‘meh’ it is and watch it again in the future.  For now though – while it’s still fresh – I’d say it’s ‘ok’.  I can’t really think of a better term for it – the writing is terrible, the plot is merely ok, the acting is patchy at best, and the action (the one thing you’d think they’d get right) isn’t great either.  I mean, the game wasn’t exactly overly-endowed with a plot but they could have done a bit more with it.  There could have been more explosions, or better weapons or something…

I’d say 3 missing chromosomes out of 5 at best – and 2 of those are for the first-person scene at the end.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation [commentary]

8 Jan

Due to watching this without the ability to pause (and feeling slightly bemused), I thought I’d skip the review part and just do a commentary.  I’m writing as it as as it comes…Spoilers ahead!

Mortal Kombat Annihilation poster

The opening sequence of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is a bit like an amateur cosplay meetup and it really does set the tone for the rest of the film.  Raiden (who is oddly missing his hat) literally looks like someone dusted him with talcum powder.  I’m fairly certain the acting was of a higher calibre when my cousins, brother and I acted out Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in our back garden when I was young.  (There was never much of a plot then either – mostly just running around screaming, ‘ninja’ kicking and arguing over who got to be Raphael.)

Back to Mortal Kombat… some bad dude – Kahn – has come along with his merry band of slow-mo ninjas and offed Johnny Cage.  Bad stuff is going to happen – the end of the world, blah blah…  The ‘good guys’ escape and sort out a plan which seems to involve flying through tunnels in Gladiator Atlaspheres and a quest – everybody loves a quest!

Oh hey, it’s the dude from X-Files – poor-man’s Schwarzenegger – and some guy in a cape (who turns out to be his dad).  They have a very fascinating conversation which I totally missed due to spilling my popcorn, so I’m going to assume it went something along the lines of:

[Standing, hands on hips]  ‘We need to kill those pesky kids and destroy the world. MWHAHAHAHA!

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