Tag Archives: monster

Mega Shark Vs Kolossus AKA “Go home, Mega Shark, you’re drunk”

2 Nov

kolossusOh, once glorious Mega Shark, how far you’ve fallen. We’re now on what feels like the eleventy-millionth Mega Shark sequel, I think mega shark has now fought pretty much everything going – except Arnie (now, that, I’d watch!). Perhaps in the next one he’ll die…and then come back as Ghost Mega shark (I’ll bring the popcorn).

Exaggerations aside, we’ve had Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus, Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark, and now…this.

So, mega shark is back and he’s flicking Navy ships out the water left, right, and centre for no reason. He doesn’t seem to have a purpose – he’s generally causing havoc as per usual. We join the scene where a Naval fleet, made up of poor man’s Samuel L Jackson (who actually does a reasonable job if you shut your eyes), some generic non-characters, and some inexplicably low-neckline, PVC/pleather-clad babes (Team Unicorn) in a submarine battle Mega Shark.

Meanwhile…the Russians (who else?) have accidentally awakened a giant robotic killing machine they built during the Cold War while they’re searching for an alternative power source. For no apparent reason, they seem to have spent presumably hundreds of millions of rubles giving the robot the appearance of anatomical, exposed human muscles. OK.  Did they give the robot any cool weapons to match his ridiculous muscles?  Well, er…apparently it has the ability to explode (but not disassemble) over and over again.  Well, it’s different…

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It’s coming right for us!!

17 Mar

I happened upon Snow Beast while channel-hopping while visiting my parents and the first thing we saw was the Snow Beast peering around a tree-trunk roaring. We were in such hysterics at what we saw that we just had to keep watching – no matter how rubbish.

I obviously didn’t see the build-up but it’s not exactly hard to catch up on a tale of a yeti monster bashing people’s skulls open. Given the standard of “special effects” (read: a white gorilla suit) that went into the production of the beast, it was fairly obvious that the writing and acting would be on par.

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It has a Baldwin! (AKA Shark in Venice)

1 Feb

I love how Shark in Venice starts with really classy, high-brow operatic intro music and lovely surroundings (Venice – you can’t get much nicer) but with really bad, cheap-looking titles slapped over the top. It sets the tone quite well.

This film is of a slightly higher calibre than some of the others I’ve reviewed so far – it has a Baldwin! (Not one of the uber-famous ones but the slightly puffier version – Stephen.) He has a permanent expression that is something akin to ‘confusion’.

You’d hope that all you need to know is in the title, but you’d be wrong. A sleazy-looking thief has hired some divers – lead by Baldwin’s father – to take a look through Venice’s canals for him. Unfortunately for the divers they’re not alone. Baldwin, of course, jets off to Venice to uncover what happened to his father. He meets the local police who are trying to convince people that the divers were killed by a motorboat to prevent public panic. During his dive he’s attacked by Jaws 2.0 and hides in umm…an abandoned treasure trove (as you do) filled with really rubbish booby-traps. Turns out everyone’s after the treasure (surprise!) and Baldwin needs to outwit Sleazy McThief and save the people of Venice from becoming shark-food. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!

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Crocodile 2: Death Swamp

10 Dec
Crocodile 2

Crocodile 2 (according to IMDB it’s got the subtitle ‘Death Swamp’) starts off like any cheesy action movie – so much so that I began to wonder if I’d put in the right disk (I am senile like that). There’s a bank heist, the set-up for an air disaster, and a highly amusing ‘men in dark glasses walking in slow-mo with a guitar riff played over the soundtrack‘ scene and all the usual boring introductions.

The plane plays host to a wide array of stock asshole characters – none of whom anyone in their right mind would want to travel with.  We have the cocky guy who knows too much for his own good, the sleazy businessman, the drug-fueled air hostess, a thug with what can only be described as a ‘perplexing’ accent, a sex-pest and, of course, poor man’s Samuel L. Jackson who doesn’t seem to be able to go 5 mins without saying ‘motherf**ker’ at least 15 times.

Insert nonsense plot device for plane crash in a swamp and enter croc #1 stage left. Amusingly, there are shots filmed from the croc’s perspective (with growling noises and distorted sounds) from through some trees at about er…human eye level.  Croc #1 is no match for aforementioned guys in dark glasses and meets a swift and bullet-riddled end.  This, however, pisses off Mamma Croc no end – as you’d expect – and so begins the ‘terror’.

The crocs are mosly only seen during nighttime sequences for the first part of the film – which is a good choice – but when it is seen in the light it’s surprisingly convincing (for this type of film).  That being said, perhaps my experience of having seen the laughable effects at the end of in Snakes on a Train has rendered me rather easily impressed?

The dialogue is nothing short of colourful (some scenes could probably give Reservoir Dogs a run for its money).  Mind you, I suppose if I were faced with a huge crocodile I suspect I’d develop a severe case of Tourettes too.  There are some memorable lines or scenes though – such as the “EAT ME!” shouted by Mr Sleazy Businessman from a first floor window (while flipping the bird at croc-zilla).  His wish is granted.  Personally, I loved “You a survivor – you go survive!” (said in such a tone that it should really have been followed up with head-bobbing and finger snapping).

Overall, it has pretty much everything you’d want from a monster movie – bad acting, ridiculous characters, some silly deaths, inexplicable explosions, cheesy dialogue.  Oddly, the effects are pretty decent and the crocodile doesn’t look like a huge lump of plasticine.  The attempted rape scene is er…a bit serious for what really should be light-hearted entertainment – they haven’t really got the balance between jarring people with serious issues and umm…the rest of the film.  I wouldn’t be in a rush to see it again but it was most certainly an improvement on Crocodile

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