Tag Archives: zombies

Coming Soon: Zombie Beavers!

8 Feb

Yet another film in the “cutesy animal gnaws your face off” genre, this time with an undead twist.

If this keeps up, the world might soon be ready for my Ladybug Apocalypse script…

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CDC website has official zombie apocalypse guidelines

31 Dec

I’m aware this may be old news for some (apparently it was first added way back in 2011) – but I didn’t know about it (not being American and all) so tough.  What supposedly started as a tongue-in-cheek joke has now claimed a place on the official CDC (the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) website.  Apparently they included a section on “Zombie preparedness” to reach new audiences and have now decided that it works quite well for other disaster situations too – so they’ve kept it on.  Muchos awesomeness.

That, or it’s so that when the zombie apocalypse eventually does happen, they can say “We told you to be prepared”…

Check out the guidelines

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Resident Evil: Afterlife – now with more slow-mo than ever

10 Aug

I’ve watched a lot of garbage recently – films so truly crap I’ve not been able to actually pull an article out of them – I didn’t think “This is utter garbage” would be one of our more popular posts. Also, I couldn’t be bothered. But mostly the former.

I’ve taken it upon myself to decorate my flat. As in the whole thing – not a single wall is safe. While painting every visible surface, I like to watch films – especially ones where people are kicking ass (apparently it’s motivational) – so Netflix has become my best friend through these trying times.

Netflix summaries Resident Evil: Afterlife as the following: “The Undead Apocalypse continues super-soldier Alice finds her way to a supposed sanctuary in Los Angeles, which may just be a deadly trap.” Now, I’m no expert, but I think if I were Alice I’d have started doing Admiral Ackbar impersonation at every available moment now, but I digress…

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Relapsing – Birdemic 2: The Resurrection Reviewed

7 Apr
This can't end well...

Zombies. This can’t end well…

The hovering, dive bombing eagles are back – as are the exceptional acting and dialog you’ve come to expect from this franchise. Does it improve upon the original, or suffer from the sophomore slump?

I was recently able to catch the San Francisco premiere of Birdemic 2: The Resurrection, and it made me think about my review of the first movie. At the time, I said I liked the movie in many spots, but was ultimately disappointed with the inconsistency. I knew a sequel was coming, and hoped that an increased budget would help. I’m not sure the budget helped, but I definitely enjoyed the hell out of it this time around.

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Fido – the caring zombie

4 Nov

Hot off the heels of Shaun of the Dead in 2004 (which featured the idea of using zombies as slave labour – and to be honest, is probably not the first either), came Fido in 2006. It’s an indie zombie film starring Carrie-Anne Moss (Trinity from The Matrix) and Billy Connolly. It was bought for me by a friend who knows I love zombies and have an odd sense of humour.

It starts off by setting the scene with a cheesy ‘Zomcon’ infomercial. Zomcon have tamed the zombie threat with a neck brace which, when lit contains all the nasty zombie urges and makes them docile creatures. It’s set in an alternate 50s universe where radiation from a fallen meteor has screwed the human race and a different war happened – The Z War. It’s a place where “10% of people have funerals – most become zombies”. Apparently proper funerals are super-expensive (on account of the fact you now need two coffins – one for your body, another for your head). Continue reading

The Evil Dead – plasticine mayhem!

24 Sep

The Evil Dead movie posterI suspect The Evil Dead was slightly before my time (given I was about 7 months old when it was released and it’s generally frowned upon for babies to be watching anything involving demons and blood) but luckily I quite like old horror films.

We open with a bunch of er…young-ish people driving through the woods.  If they’re meant to be teenagers then they’re pretty much the most geriatric teenagers ever.  Our hero is a man called Ashley.  Unfortunate girly names aside, he looks a bit like a vaguely attractive Jim Carey – minus the constant facial flappery.  The ‘young people’ are driving through the woods to a cabin.  The fact that the road leading up to said cabin is pretty much non-existent suggests that they’re miles from anything and should probably turn back.  They don’t.

They arrive to find a creepy-as-hell shack with a swing that bangs on the wall every couple of seconds.  Someone needs to have stern words with their travel agent, methinks.  Inside it’s a veritable cornucopia of dead animal bits (which are oddly, not seen at all for the rest of the film, but hey) and chains – just what you look for in a holiday home.  There’s some lovely bloody pipes in the trapdoor-ed basement (which pops open on its own).

Angry Spongebob

The singleton of the group is off doodling a clock and then her hand is possessed and she…draws a picture of what looks like an anrgy Spongebob Squarepants.  Terrifying.

The basement opens by itself and they discover that there’s a whole bunch of guns, ammo, and a weird book made with human flesh.  This holiday home just gets better and better, huh?  Douchbag friend proceeds to point the dodgy old gun at his friend’s head – jeez, these people deserve to die.  Instead of taking this opportunity to leave, they sit and listen to the tapes of the guy who found the book.  Then they go off to their rooms.  Meanwhile, Little Miss Gooseberry, the singleton hears something outside and goes off alone, in the dark, in the middle of the woods, wearing a nightdress…to investigate.  That seems like the best option, eh?  I mean, I know if I hear weird stuff I definitely don’t go for a weapon and ohhhh, I dunno, go and ask the people I’m staying with to come with me.  Nah.  That’d be stupid.

While she’s off wandering about the woods she’s raped by a possessed tree.

Yep.  Fairly certain I’ve been drugged.

I’m not sure what I thought the worst possible outcome of wandering about on your own in the woods would be, but this was certainly not on my list of potential candidates (it now will be!).  Alien abduction?  Possibly.  Being trampled to death by a possessed deer?  Hey, stranger things have happened.  Being tied down and raped by a sycamore?  Umm….what?

Understandably, she spends her time outside screaming blue murder.  Her friends in the cabin don’t hear a thing.  Maybe they’re all deaf?  Yes, that must be it.

Apparently the demons are pissed that they’ve been awakened.  “Why have you awakened us from our sleep? You will die…!”  Pfft, that’s basically how I respond to early morning calls.  The demons are about the most reasonable characters in the film so far.  Aren’t demons normally pleased to be released from imprisonment?  I guess if I were awakened to find the world overrun with people as one-dimensional as these folk, I’d be quite displeased too.

Continuing the oddities, there’s a fairly graphic fight scene with… a pencil.  Yep, it really is amazing the amount of damage you can do with an HB.  I mean, there was that episode of CSI… and apparently, they can also cause demonic possession too!  Who knew?  Maybe we should be slightly more concerned about sending our kids off to school with such dangerous weapons.  Anyway, pencil-wielding demon dies what is quite possibly the longest death ever – it rivals that scene in Bill and Ted where they have to pause their screaming to breathe.

Melty

AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEE….

AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE….

EEEEEEE….

Not a whole host of much happens.  Our dim-witted hero goes on to save the day, of course, and there’s lots of silly, dated effects in the process – in fact, they’re practically prehistoric now.  The death scenes are blatant plasticine animations, the make-up looks like it’s been bought out of Poundstrecher – there’s a scene where goo starts coming out of a melting body that looks like runny humous.  Continuing the food theme – for some reason, the demons spurt milk when they die (at least the demons will have healthy bones, eh?).  Hey, add a couple of vegetables and you’ve pretty much got a whole meal there!  To put it bluntly, in a world of hyper-realistic films and gorefests, this amount of plasticine is a bit jarring.  I understand they must’ve been working on a low budget but they didn’t necessarily need to light their plasticine so well.  Maybe it would’ve been better if I’d seen it at the time (and been a reasonable age, obviously – not a baby) and been able to appreciate it in its full glory but I’m afraid I’ve been a bit spoilt by modern effects.

Outdated effects aside, the characters are pretty non-descript (besides the guy who’s a complete asshole) – the women are about as fleshed out as cardboard cut-outs, so much so that I pretty much couldn’t tell them apart at points.  I couldn’t even tell you what their names were besides Ash and Linda.  The acting is to be expected…it’s a cheesy horror film, you can’t expect much.

Something I did like was the cinematography – the camera work really stands out.  Towards the end, the use of weird camera angles to make it seem like something is very wrong is really awesome.  I love all that stuff – slanty shots, over the head shots.  Yes!  Add in a bit of upward lighting and some jangly music?  Even better!  It makes me wonder what the sequels (where they presumably had a bigger budget) were like – this was, frankly, the highlight of the film for me.

Well, that, and Spongebob – who, alas, featured only briefly.

3 tomato-sauced covered, squashed plasticine fingers out of 5